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Breastford Wives [DVD]
Theatrical Release: Never Released
DVD Release: April 10, 2007
Blu-ray Release: TBA
Director: Jim Wynorski
Writer: Jim Wynorski
Rating: NR
Reviewer: Eric
Look I am just going to skip all of the stupid bull shit and get right into
my review. Do you care about this movies plot? Oh wait you do…here goes nothing
then. A couple movies to Breastford and the women there start to have sex with
them. I shit you not, that is the movies plot (remember this is a parody
softcore flick).
Why the fuck would a couple move to a town called Breastford? I mean come on
that kind of name is screaming “cheat on me” and boy does it happen. Not even 5
minutes in living in their new house a husband is already cheating on his wife.
Oh wait that is ok since the woman he cheated on said “they share everything” in
Breastford. The fucking guy doesn’t even second guess anything; he jams his
tongue down her throat!
Throughout the whole movie this guy wants to fuck every woman in Breastford
while telling himself he is starting a new life by writing for his company in
the middle of no where. Who gives a fuck, this guy just wants to shove his unit
in every single woman while letting his wife thing he is perfect.
The dialogue in this movie is fantastic. Working out is great and we hear about
this, then that corny dialogue turns into a softcore sex scene. Where they
serious with this script? I hope not because it is just one excuse to show a
softcore sex scene. Wait isn’t that that whole purpose? I guess so. So my
complaining really just makes me sound like an asshole (I’m being a smart ass).
Like all softcore movies the sex scenes show tits and boy do these girls, all of
which are blonde (pretty much), have huge ones. Of course they are fake but hey
boobs are boobs right?
Some of the sex scenes are funny, especially the gym one. Having sex while on a
bike and about three other workout machines is funny. Breastford Wives also
prides itself is screwing up and showing a little secret I new knew about in the
softcore porn scene. Guys (apparently in this movie at least) where socks over
the cocks.
Other than the boobs you get a few quick glimpses at the lower areas of the
women. During the bathtub scene you get a two second glimpse at the only
non-blonde’s forbidden area. Towards the end you can see more of that area and I
am pretty sure the one girl isn’t faking her finger movement. Those naughty
babes.
Speaking of the bathtub scene I just have to say that is makes no sense to me.
Poorly written but we all know a softcore movie has to have at least one
sequence with random women rubbing each other. It also seems like a joke when
the girls keep looking at the camera and smiling. Movie first, random close ups
can be saved for another time. This is not the kind of movie that will make you
a star.
For a DVD movie this one looks pretty good. The quality gets the job done but
nothing in the movie is really demanding. Same with the sound, it gets the job
done. Some of the sex scenes have strange music choices. At times the music
volume seems to get louder and then some dialogue will cut-in with little sound.
No it’s not your television trust me.
When it comes to extras, Breastford Wives has almost jack shit. At the start of
the DVD you get to see some trailers to other Secret Key Motion Pictures
releases. Under the DVD Extras section you are treated to those same trailers
but now they are extended. Sure extending those trailers will make us care more
for Topless Tapioca Wrestling…
There is this weird Retro Strip Tease Sampler under the extras too. These are
apparently two teasers from the Naughty Nudes of the 50s release (is it out
yet?). I really did not care about these extras since black and white nudity is
not my taste.
Final Verdict
As a standalone softcore porn this movie has enough boobs to make you scream.
There are some quick down-under shots, almost on par with most releases except
for the roast beef parts (that’s all I’m saying, figure it out). If you are
looking for a good laugh then this movie is worth a viewing or two. As for a
softcore movie it is just decent enough.
Rating Breakdown
Movie: 3.50 out of 10
+ Funny dialogue and big, fake breasts.
- What more do you want from a softcore porn flick?
Picture: 6 out of 10
+ Gets the job done. One of the better looking softcore
flicks on DVD.
- Sadly I’ve seen better looking DVDs.
Audio: 3.50 out of 10
+ Techno music and sex…great.
- Audio volume goes up and down randomly.
Extras: 2 out of 10
+ They try…
- But they failed, just not as bad as others.
Overall
3.75 out of 10
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