Pirates (R-Rated Version)
Released: July 11, 2006
Director: Joone
Reviewer: Eric
I...well you see...I like pirate movies? So yeah I am rating an adult movie that was made into a Rated-R version because of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. I'm not making this up, the week after Dead Man's Chest was released this magically appeared on store and rental shelves. Rental stores did the best thing they placed this right by the other Pirate movies, especially next to Pirates of the Caribbean. Whenever Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest came out this movie was right next to it and let me tell you both times this movie was in the New Arrivals section it was always gone. Did people really want to see this since it was a pirate movie or did they know the dirty truth?
So my reason for wanting to watch this movie...are you still here?
Crap I better get it out of the way before I change my mind on this
whole review. I wanted to see how they turned this movie from
XXX to this Rated-R disaster. Almost an hour
of the film was taken out and I really don't want to know what pirates
do in their free time. This movie is boring as hell, I wasted money on
this rental and thank God it skipped sometimes, I was able to get my money
back. Oh God this movie was skipping at parts...I really need to finish
this up because I think I'm going to be sick.
This movie does have a plot. Do you want to know what it is? Yeah I thought so but I'm going to tell you any way. Swash and unbuckle. Back in the eighteenth century the seas are awash in pirates. The worst is Stagnetti and his first mate, Serena, a female with an attitude. He wants the Scepter of Inca, which gives its owner great powers. To remove it from remote Calaveras Island, he needs the Dagger of Ataljuapa as well as the aid of a descendant of the family. On Stagnetti's trail are pirate hunters, Captain Edward Reynolds and Jules, his commander, whom of course is a female too. Once Stagnetti has the Dagger, all hell breaks loose. Who will win good or evil?
I swear every guy in this movie has two women maybe more. I'm sure this is a no brainier but when you are watching a XXX that is turned into a Rated-R version you would question these things too. Most people I bet don't know about this movies roots, I read about it on Yahoo, how the movie was changed and parents are having fits. It's funny but how do these parents know about this movie? Mommy and daddy better have a talk with their children because this movie is out there with brief nudity and extended pictures whenever certain male and female parts should have been shown. Take that mom's and dad's you better watch out your children could rent this horrible pirate movie.
Talk about bad acting in a movie. Every blonde in this movie fits every blonde
joke you've ever heard. Some of these women have dumb founded looks the entire
movie. I'm not sure how they look in the other version of this movie because everything,
except some nudity here and there, was cut out. Hopefully they did better acting in
that other hour of the movie that we can't see in the Rated-R version. I will
say though the actor that plays Captain Edward Reynolds is funny as hell. This guy should
do some comedy movies, he is giving funny one liners left and right, the many doesn't stop.
Yes I know he makes most of his money doing the forbidden dance but if he would do stand
up comedy I'd go see him. His character saved the movie for me, if it wasn't for him I would
have turned this off in ten minutes.
From what I've heard, thank you Google, this movie won a lot of awards for the XXX version. Pirates had a lot of special effects for this kind of movie. This movie has computer generated skeletons for crying out loud. What other porn movie have you seen with skeletons? One thing that was funny about this movie is the fact how they did a lot of on location filming. Too bad the people in St. Petersburg, Florida didn't know this. A lot of footage was shot here. The director of the film lied and said they were filming a pirate movie for television that was Rated PG-13. Maybe next time the city should hire somebody to check out the movie once a day.
Final Verdict
Pirates (R-Rated Version) is not a good pirate movie nor will it ever be. The only
thing that makes this movie some what decent is the actor who plays Captain Edward Reynolds
and the fact a XXX was turned into a friendly
DVD that everyone can enjoy. No real special features are on here but the chapter selection
screen does have motion, if you like that in your DVDs then that is a big plus. I really
don't know what else to say, I felt like a horny guy renting this movie, not sure why, but
it just seems wrong that they did this.
Rating
3 out of 10